the double standard of my heart
When my friend Tam asked me to write a post for her blog on an aspect of my story I haven’t shared yet, I didn’t know what to write.
I’ve shared candidly here at the Grit about what life has been like for me in the wake of my husband’s infidelity and decision for divorce. I couldn’t think of anything I’ve specifically been holding back on talking about.
And then it hit me.
I knew I needed to put words to the current wrestling in my heart’s journey.
In light of my desire to intentionally be more authentic in the moment rather than only in past tense, I knew I needed to take this risk.
It was time to write about how hard it is to pray for Niel with the right motives.
And what that says about my own heart.
So I did.
Even though it’s very much still a struggle for me.
Click over to In Progress to read about the double standard of my heart. >
Thanks for sharing your current struggle. I know it’s hard and a risk. I appreciate you taking the risk. Thanks for the challenge you presented today too.
I’m sorry that you can even write about this. I’m sorry for how hurt you are. I’m sorry for so much.
Thanks for growing in the midst of everything. Thank you for letting others take care of you. Thank you for letting God take care of you.
Thank you. Thank you for your transparency, for your honesty. I am going through a similar situation, where I am being challenged to pray for someone who hurt me. Some days its really hard and I don’t want to do it. And other days like today I find myself eating breakfast alone with tears in my eyes praying blessings for him. And it’s in those moments that I know that God is truely healing my heart and that bringing me such freedom.
“and it’s in those moments that i know God is truly healing my heart” – i know what you mean. that’s exactly how this feels for me. i know i still have a very long way to go, but i finally feel like i’m making progress. and that is no small thing.
asking Him to hold your heart and bring more of His healing to you today.
look at you taking a risk. i am proud of you!
May I say thank you for just being so transparent? You put into words what is often my heart condition . It’s the kind of condition nobody wants to admit to, but you did and so you blaze the trail for me to as well. I can think of different times over the past few years since I really committed my life to Jesus where my heart motive was not Christlike. But I didn’t admit it to anyone. ‘ Thing is, the One i needed to admit it to, was the One that’s known it all along. Alece, keep letting God use you to write and share because it’s opening eyes. Mmmm, wow. Thank you. Love you.
this felt like such a hug, linda… you have no idea.
and do you even see the transparency in your own words?! i love that. thank you for sharing your heart.
Love it! Can I just say that your “authentic in the moment” is still messing with my brain. I was blog-challenged for THREE – count em – THREE days cuz I was pondering how authentic I could say I really was…
and I love every moment of being challenged in that way… thanks for causing my pondering gerbils to run faster in my brain.
blog challenged for 3 days?! ;) you made me smile so big with that comment!
“But if I’m being most honest, I wasn’t as concerned with Niel’s repentance as I was with him feeling the weight of what he’s done.” Yeah, that’s some serious, transparent truth right there.
I have to check my motives in prayer, also. And accepting – and therefore extending – His forgiveness is something I deal with, too. Sigh.
It’s like the Spirit is taking you deeper and deeper…. and freer and freer. It’s like I get a picture of you coming out into a wide, open space.
thank you for praying me to this place, lisa.
Thank you Alece for this. I needed to hear this. It is God’s kindness that draws me. And it is HIS kindness that will draw others. I am going to let this soak in a bit more.
I made my comment on Tam’s blog… but I’m proud of you and I love you ….
Did we talk about that? Because the post felt crazy familiar…
we did.
you’re home!
oh my dang! i love your beautiful heart!! you continue, through your own honesty, enable others to free up some of their hidden heart. That is church! you provide a place of freedom to wrestle and not “have it together” or figured out.
That, YOU, are a gift!
your words feel like a hug. thank you for you.
i… hug.
that’s about all my tired heart can muster right now.
i love you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers! Hang in there! Thanks for sharing.
thank you for your prayers, mary. i appreciate it so much!
Alece – mama and I are praying for you – and that God blesses your ministry!
thank you thank you thank you!
For what it’s worth – when I got to the point of praying for my ex – and his salvation and walk with God, that is when my heart and life started turning around. No, I am not implying that my situation is in anyway related to what you are going through…but forgiveness and love is just that – forgiveness and love. I wasn’t getting it. For so long I actually wanted him to die because I knew he didn’t believe so I knew he wouldn’t receive the tender and precious gifts from God I so desperately was holding onto. How sick is that? But alas, God started healing my heart and light pushed through. I don’t think about him much any more…and when I do, it is with a prayer and more surrender.
I am praying for you Friend.
i’m finding i think about him less and less too. which is both freeing and strange to realize.
i always appreciate the glimpses into your own journey with all this. i learn from you, motts.