four-minute friday: self-awareness
Go.
I recently realized that I’m not very self-aware. Which, for someone who isn’t self-aware, is a pretty big realization to come to. I’m just sayin.
I don’t feel as though I have a good understanding of my own personality.
I don’t connect the dots about things going on in my life. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. I just don’t seem to be cognizant that A + B might’ve equaled the C I’m currently feeling.
When I hear friends describe themselves or explain how they usually respond in certain situations or say that what they ate yesterday is messing up their GI track today, I always think, “Wow. How did they figure that out?!”
It just hit me that my lack of self-awareness might play a big role in my inability to choose favorites. Or be decisive. Because, honestly, a lot of the time I legitimately don’t know what I like. When I shrug and say I don’t have a preference, it’s because I really don’t know what I’d prefer.
I feel like the chick on Runaway Bride who doesn’t know how she likes her eggs cooked.
Although I do know how I like my eggs. If breakfast burrito counts as an answer. Seriously, cheese and salsa make just about anything better. That much I know for sure.
But for most everything else, I sincerely don’t know what I like. Or how I typically process things. Or even if my tummy issues are triggered by a certain food. I simply don’t know.
Because I’m just not self-aware enough to understand me.
What is up with THAT?!
Done.
I feel like you just described my heart thoughts right there.
I struggle with noticing anything important… the way people are interacting, how someone is feeling, obvious hints. I’m terrible at picking up on those things. I think I’m unaware with everything because I know exactly what you mean when you say, “Or even if my tummy issues are triggered by a certain food.” Yeah. I would never know that. And I can’t choose either. When I see it, I’ll know. But ask me to think of something out of the blue and I’m a lost cause. Today I had a job interview and I couldn’t think of any weaknesses, not because I don’t have any, but because I just could not think of what it is that I struggle with. And I hate that part about me. Some people say it’s a blessing because I’m not frustrated easily with little things or quirks about people… but it’s not because they don’t bother me, it’s because I don’t see them in the first place!
Salvador sings a song called Aware:
Make me aware
I have been missing so much
Not recognizing your touch
Or acknowledging that you’re the reason
I’m even here
I hope that I’m not so unaware that I forget to be aware of my Savior.
i’m seemingly more observant of others and things around me than i am of myself and things inside me.
but i am the exact same way when asked a question on the spot. my mind just goes blank. “what are some of your weaknesses?” “what’s your favorite thing about living in africa?” “what do you normally cook?” i think i must look like an idiot as the confused, racking-my-brain look smears across my face. not because i don’t have answers to those questions. but because i have zero in-the-moment recall for stuff like that.
I think you’ve given so much for others – and sacrificed – and put yourself last, ’til you haven’t given much thought to yourself. My dearest friend was like that for a long long time… But, healing and love and risk has allowed her to share and expose enough of herself to actually realize who she is.
I thought she was powerful and influential and a leader BEFORE this happened. You should see her now.
I hope that, one day soon, you will think value “you” enough to get to know yourself – and then you might just realize that you actually ARE as cool as the rest of us say you are.
“till you haven’t given much thought to yourself” — that’s it exactly.
hearing about your friend’s journey feels like some hope was held out for me. sigh… thank you, xibling.
Amen Mandy! Amen. It must be a family thing, maybe. I feel like I’m the same way. I’m just not aware at all. I ignore most of what my body tells me. When people ask me what I’m thinking, and I say, “I’m not thinking anything.” I’m actually telling the truth. Sometimes there is nothing going through there. hmm haha. Anyway, definitely agree with this lil conversation right here.
Ooooh…let me just say – all things in moderation. I’m too self-aware about what I consider to be the negatives about myself & have to be careful with that. I was absolutely shocked at the positives that my husband brought up about me during our adoption homestudy process. I thought he married me for my manicotti….
I know EXACTLY what I like & don’t like, am very decisive & have definite opinions. I have to work on a more positive sense of self and more balance. Which is hard for a literal, black or white chick like me. Those shades of grey, they don’t come easy.
Yum! Breakfast burritos rock! :)
I feel the same way far too often… indecisive and not knowing what my favorites are.
Though, I must agree with you on this… breakfast burritos are a great!
Kitty… this is a profound 4 minutes. What I see in this, is the years you spent deferring to the opinions of others… for whatever reason. Now- you get to explore and discover all those preferences and intricacies just for YOU. Dang… I’m proud of you.
I’m with Amy. I’m wondering if you somehow slipped into letting others decide for you (parents, siblings, friends, husband). It’s a lot easier that way sometimes! Now you’re standing on your own (with lots of loving support) and it’s time to learn about you! What you like and what you don’t. What you want and what you don’t. What’s worth it and what isn’t. What you’re willing to give and what you’re willing to take. (that one covers so much – Give – parts of yourself, time, energy, thought, heart. Take – receive AND put up with! I could go on!) Enjoy this time of learning the beauty of you. Maybe some of us will be allowed to participate in that with you. And some of us will have the joy of observing. God had created such beauty in you – now find, enjoy, and share!
And BTW, no shortage of opinions in our family. Could you tell?
you’re right. i know this ties in to a lifetime spent in deference to others. that dang “i am third” mentality is still so deeply rooted inside me that it translates to “my own thoughts and opinions and preferences don’t matter.”
and relationships with very controlling people have fueled this enormous fear of failure that feels linked to this as well. as if my preference or opinion could be—is—wrong. so i’d rather have none than have yet another thing i fail at.
writing it all out like that, i know it’s irrational. and i want to break free from it. i want to value myself enough to discover who i am and what i enjoy. but, to be honest, i feel paralyzed in even knowing how to. where do i start? how do i start? i don’t know. it feels very overwhelming to me. easier to go on as i’ve been than make such drastic changes at the core of myself. which, i know, means it’s a risk i have to take.
i just don’t really know how to.
…one choice at a time… small or large… made by listening to what resonates in you as “yes”…
…it gets easier, more natural, more comfortable… more freeing.
“and relationships with very controlling people have fueled this enormous fear of failure that feels linked to this as well. as if my preference or opinion could be—is—wrong. so i’d rather have none than have yet another thing i fail at.” — Totally, identify with this, pretty much 100 percent. It definitely has a grip on my life. I’m just now trying to break free. It feels weird to hear nowadays that I’m actually good at my job. Go figure right? It’s super hard to take it, but I need to.
i always appreciate your honesty, nate. and i enjoy hearing a guy’s perspective. thank you for adding to the convo.
and i’m “just now trying to break free” too…
This may sound silly, but start with something easy like food. Take the eggs thing for example. All at once or for several days in a row, cook (or order!) your eggs a different way each time (or all at once to compare, but that would be hard cause they get cold fast. Maybe ice cream is a better choice!). Compare them. Make a chart if you want! Then decide which you like best. Or which 2. Or rank them in order of preference. Whatever. Just an idea.
BTW – do you have a favorite color?
The best part about preferences is just that – they are preferences! Yours don’t have to be mine, and vice versa. You don’t have to justify them!. They’re VALID just because they are YOURS. Believe in you! I do, friend!
even a question like “what’s your favorite color?” makes me feel stressed out. that is just plain wrong.
my gut reaction when i read that was “i don’t know”. an internal shrug. and then i start rambling out a response about how it depends what the color is on — my favorite color to wear will be different than my favorite in nature and blah blah blah. but really that’s just me not knowing what i like and trying to justify that. ha.
i’mma go with deep red. the blue-based kind.
I’m on the path to self awareness myself – maybe even awareness in general .. I live in a perpetual bubble where things happen right in front my face; I live in the moment. I have to learn how to see what is coming and plan for it… Ask me what I think about certain things – I freeze up!
I am exactly the same way. “I don’t care. ” That phrase just seems to blurt out no matter what! For me, it’s because others always made decisions for me. From the time I was little I remember having very strong opinions on everything that I should do. I still have a family member who pipes in her views almost daily! “Have you all mowed?” ..”Have you cleaned out the closets?” Daily things are suggested as to how I should live. If I don’t…it’s sigh, a complaint, etc.
Now, I let my husband make the decisions..I won’t go into why but, it’s true. I just come along for the ride.
This has made me think…hmm…..I guess I have an identity crisis! Now that I think of it…the friends I pick are very similar to each other…strong, opinionated and bold. I guess I need to check into my heart on this one.
“i let my husband make the decisions” – i get that. fully.
and i, too, have an identity crisis.
sigh…
It’s ok that you don’t like brownies…
Means more for MEEEE!
I’m so with you on not picking favorites…I tend to expand my answer or clarify it by well here are a few that I like or here’s what I like currently. :) For some things, I think it’s okay to not have a favorite and for others, I think it is fun to explore and figure it out–even if the favorite is just for a season.
i don’t really know how aware I am. or what it even means to be self-aware. ionno. i also stink at choosing favorites…or choosing in general. unless I choose mindlessly, the general coop rule (article number 37 in the coop constitution) is that i won’t be choosing.
i’m not sure if my goal is to be difinitive or self-aware. above all else, i want to be aware of God. and maybe self-awareness is related to that?
but i do know that i definitely do not like salsa or (most kinds of) cheese. =]
so sad about the salsa and cheese. seriously. ;)
Like you, I prefer my eggs in a breakfast burrito. I don’t have a lot of favorites either (besides macaroni and cheese from Cracker Barrel).
Self awareness is a difficult thing. The best approach for me to really understand myself is to try and analyze the things I do, say or think and how I react ‘off the cuff’ (for lack of a better term). Basically what comes naturally to me.
I’m naturally indecisive and hesitant. I’m pessimistic with regard to what I think others think about me, so I rarely initiate contact in social situations. I’d rather you call me, than me have to call you. I’m bad at starting conversations, better at responding. I’m a bit of a know-it-all sometimes, but only because my mind is a sea of useless, trivial information about subjects most people don’t care about.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a little strange (ok maybe more than a little), but not in a creepy sort of way.
“analyze the things i do, say, or think and how i react off the cuff — basically what comes naturally to me” — that’s helpful, john. thank you.
Your description of yourself sounds almost exactly like me. Have you ever taken a Meyers/Briggs type indicator test? I’m a very solid INTP on that test, and there really aren’t very many people like us in the world. It’s always fun for me to find another.
I haven’t taken an official Meyers/Briggs, but I have taken an online survey that pegged me as a INTJ type. So, three out of four, ain’t bad (thinly-veiled cheezy pop song reference…)
But I’m almost certain we would get along.
Several of my closest friends are NTJs. :) So, yes. We odd birds flock together quite well. :)
A-ness, I hate to say this, but I think we differ here. I think I’m self aware because I’m so different from my entire family. I’ve had to really reflect on why I’m different, where that comes from, and comparing/contrasting my thoughts, opinions, views from those of my family. It’s like water and oil…there’s no mixing my personality and theirs. Likewise, I was very different from everyone in my high school which had challenges because I lived with them, went to class with them, and had extracurriculars with them. I’ve always felt different from those around me so I have explored those differences and that has lead me to some ’self-discovery’. This can be a burden as well, however. When I can own up to my own faults, mistakes, etc. and a friend of mine can’t…it hurts me. Or if I’m always making decisions with friends because they ‘don’t care’ that can be frustrating because I don’t want to always dictate activities.
I don’t mean to say that you hurt people or that you frustrate those around you. I’m excited for you to dive into yourself and learn about you! It’s a challenging, exciting, and rewarding experience.
You are enough.
it made me smile that you didn’t want to admit that we’re different in this way! ha!
i definitely know i frustrate some people when i can’t/won’t answer what i want for dinner, what i want to do, etc. that is my biggest motivator in those situations where i step out and voice a preference.
i DO feel i quickly own up to my faults and mistakes. i guess that means i’m not so un-self-aware that i don’t realize when i’ve hurt someone or messed up. i know it, and i try to be quick to apologize and take responsibility for it. but a week later if someone asks me what’s the last thing i’ve done that hurt someone i love, i would have a really hard time remembering the incident. i’d draw a complete blank.
“you are enough”. i still don’t believe that. oh i “know” it to be true but i don’t really believe it. not yet. i want to though. i’m asking Him to reassure me of that truth until my heart is confident of it.
I like to think I generally know what’s going on inside me, but if someone asks me, I freeze up. It so overwhelms me when someone actually wants to know because I’m so used to being the listener. I draw a blank and don’t think of all the things I should have said until hours later.
Oh, how I hate to make the decisions. I can’t even pick a table in the food court, much less which place we’re going to eat at. My friends made me pick what we were going to have for dessert AND the table we were going to sit at last night. I still haven’t gotten over it…ha
I’ve spent most of my life with my path laid out for me and now that I have the authority to make decisions myself, no matter how big or small, it’s natural for me to go with whatever everyone else thinks. There’s no anxiety that way. (I’ve always explained my indecisiveness with “I just like to go with the flow.” I never really explored why until just now…)
And the tummy issues: ALWAYS explained by White Castle. Even though I know you wouldn’t touch it…I think they should always be blamed for intestinal turmoil. I’m pretty sure they invented it.
“I can’t even pick a table in the food court, much less which place we’re going to eat at.” — that so me. to a T.
and i’m gonna start blaming my constant tummy issues on white castle. even though i never eat there! ;)
Just a thought here about the tummy issues. Have you ever tried eliminating wheat from your diet? I know, it’s extreme. Both of my girls have varying degrees of intolerace to wheat. It can cause symptoms ranging from gas, bloating, stomach pains, other gastro symptoms I won’t discuss, headache, fatigue, and fuzzy thinking. Just sayin!
woah. cutting out wheat would be so hard. it’s in…everything! but i wonder if that could be it. hmmm…
Hey friend! Long time no comment, but I promise I’ve been reading. ;o)
This self-awareness issue isn’t all it’s cracked up to be at times. I never knew I WAS very self-aware until a counselor pointed out to me just how self-aware I was…. and that comes from growing up in just about every dysfunctional situation you can think of. I notice the “not normal” right away. Sometimes it’s a blessing, but it can also be a curse at times when you’d rather just stick your head in the sand and pretend you DON’T know any better. Being self-aware can also be stressful, especially if you’re like me and dwell on it too long wondering how to fix what you’ve now become aware of. ha! The GI tract part made me laugh. Just two days ago I ate a bowl of cereal in the middle of the day, and had a reaction to the milk in just a few hours later and I KNEW it was the cereal…. so now of course I want it even more than I should. Shame. ;o)
Pray for self-awareness. Even though I say it is both a blessing and a curse at times, I’d rather have it than not…. because it makes you more aware of how the negative in your life affects you, making you stand up and take notice, take action, against it. For that part, I am grateful. But even with that, I’m not a favorites person either. ;o) Don’t sweat that part. heehee
Love you sweet friend…… miss the Gritty rendevous on here. I’m also sure I spelled that wrong. ha!
I’m sorry, rereading that I realize I left something out about the praying for it part…. I do this, even still, because I know that God can bless me with HIS self-awareness about myself, my situations, my life… and that is the self-awareness that can be helpful to you.
you’re so right – i need to pray for it. ask for it. i haven’t done that yet. ::blush::
and i miss our late night crazy convos on here too! good times, BM, good times…
I get what you mean about being aware of what is not normal and at times really just wanting to not know.
My counselor and a good friend have both told me that there is some serious dysfunction in my family. The deal is my family just wants to look normal and will do about anything to keep up that impression. The more I notice the distructive thought patterns and behaviors myself, the more I find myself going back and forth between just wanting to be normal and understanding it is not healthy and I have the power to break some destructive cycles.
i agree! i am so much more able to understand healthy by learning to recognize the dysfunction of my family and own tendencies…
I have to admit that I’m pretty self-aware….. don’t know why, exactly, I just am. My husband on the other hand is not… nor is my mother. She has often told me, “I don’t usually know how I feel”… For my husband and my mother I can say they were “stuffers”…. they stuffed their emotions instead of walking through them. Both were people pleasers…. not wanting anyone to be disappointed with them. Both have bottled up their emotions. Both have struggled to love themselves.
BUT….the good news is God knows who you are….. He waits to tell you. You don’t have an identity crises. He knows exactly who you are. BUT….if you have not asked Him to reveal the true YOU… then you might not know what He knows. He waits to tell you….
“then you might not know what He knows…”
i am committing to start asking Him…
A great place to be, Alece…. He can’t wait to tell you who He knows you to be. I remember the first time I asked Him. I was in my mid-forties….known about God my whole life, had been walking with Him for 22 years with as much heart as I knew how to give. When He began to speak… well it took my breath away… The things He had to say to me, the things He wanted me to know. I will forever be changed by these encounters. I just finished writing about it on the next leg of my journey into grace shared on my blog… it’s fresh on my mind….
You’re in a GREAT place… a ripening moment…
i think you are more self aware than you give yourself credit for. You know to be aware. you have amazing discernment when it comes to knowing and reading ppl. That same stuff applies to your own heart. you probably have defaulted to being bent to far on the “other oriented” side of life. That was less of an option for you as you moved over seas and adapted to foreign life so early.
i know that when you do stop to think you through, you come out with profound goodness every time.
I am on the other side of the bridge. I probably have too much self awareness. I developed an early pattern doing this. Life was up to me early on. i am probably silver platter client for counselors. this is a weakness as well,because it doesn’t allow for others to be in the process with me.
you could be right. maybe i am more self-aware than i realize. maybe i’m afraid to “commit” to definitives about myself. hmmm…
i so value your openness about your weakness in being too self-aware and how that keeps others from being in the process with you.
i love you.
Well, the first thing that struck me when I read this was the Seven Intelligences theory. The one you are talking about in Intrapersonal Intelligence. I am rather high in it, but my Mom and husband are not (rather like Julie up there). There is a test here if you’d like to take a test on it.
The second thing that struck me as I was flitting through the comments is that perhaps part of it is a boundaries thing as well. I don’t know if this is how you feel. Stephanie (Wiechmann/Tuott) recently discovered how little of herself she knew, because she was used to allowing people to control her all of her life. Is this what you’re feeling? It seems maybe a bit of both?
At any rate, I admire your willingness and tenacity for ‘putting yourself out there’ on the net. You’re one ballsy lady. :)
i think it absolutely is a boundaries thing. i’ve given over control of even my thoughts to others for my entire life. and i’m finding that desiring to break free from that is not enough to actually break free from it. it is a hard, slow, often painful process…
Are you a middle child? I’m the same way, been working on it the last few years. (Boyfriend actually challenges me lots on this!) I have a tendency to do this….but I think it stems from being a middle child.
oh and LOVE breakfast burritos too
i AM a middle child. i’m interested to hear why you think that’s related to this…
Because we have someone older always choosing for us or leading us to where, what we need to do. Then once the older siblings aren’t there the youngest are like “I wanta” “me,me,me”. Us middle kids, just well, get the “that what your sister wore”, “just eat this because your older and younger sibling has a preference” or just go with the flow cause it’s easiest. I truly love being a middle child. I feel like I don’t have many memories from my childhood though, because I didn’t have the opportunity to make an effort to define what I really liked, there were 7 kids in my family too, just all corralled into a pin together ;) OR it can just be us June babies ;) ha
wow. i’ve never thought through all that before, but you described my own experiences exactly. (even though there are only 3 of us!)
so interesting… hmmmm….
I keep coming back to this post when I have a free moment, and reading the comments. It suddenly occurred to me why. It’s because the feelings are so familiar. There was at one point after my divorce that I had to take a stand for my preferences in the ‘little things’ of life, but I didn’t realize the impact at the time. Like making or not making my bed. I didn’t have to make the bed like he did, but how was I going to make it? Was I going to make?
It was such a small, almost unnecessary thing, but so stinkin’ helpful in the long run. I did not realize all this until a little over a year ago though. (That’s not being very self aware, is it?) HeeHee!
Rejoice in the seemingly ’small’ decisions of choices you make along the way. They are yours to hold onto. The Lord is using them to build up to something BIG! You are one brave lady and I am always encouraged by what you write.
i love knowing you kept coming back and catching up on the comments. SO my favorite part of the Grit.
i so appreciated hearing that bit of your own journey. thank you for the reminder to hold onto the small choices i make along the way. “they are yours to hold onto”. so, so good for me to hear.