He held both
January 30, 2010
I can’t shake this thought, even though it’s really hard for me to dwell on right now:
Jesus hung on that cross to take more than my own sins. He also hung there to carry the sins of others that hurt me deeply. And in that same instant, He hung there to carry the pain and sorrow I feel because of those sins against me.
In the very same moment, He held both. Wept for both. Bore the eternal burden of both.
So that both of us could be free.
[Originally posted on this day last year,
when the bottom had just fallen out of my world.]
The light of the truth rages against the cold darkness of lies. The fight is long and makes you bone weary. In the end the truth prevails. Keep the truth in you hand; it’s your only hope. I am so proud of you Alece.
Also, the pics of your vacation are lovely. Well done.
i feel exhausted from the fight. my heart is tired…
Such humbling Truth. He is so full of mercy for everyone. And I pray that mercy and grace is setting both of you free.
amen!
I think this goes well with the Prodigal Son/Father post you just did.
the afflict-ers and the afflicted, the abusers and the abused, the broken and the breakers, together nailed Christ on the cross. And He died for both and the pain, suffering, and brokenness that comes with. I don’t begin to understand.
this really pierces my heart. thank you.
i don’t begin to understand it either.
and yet i know it to be true.
Oh how I struggle with this. I have struggled with this for 6 years. And even though I know it, I struggle in accepting it.
Its my pain. It happened to me. So why should God be allowed to grant him forgiveness? And even though I know the answer, I still get mad at God. Because after everything that’s happened I want God to pick me. I want God to choose me. I know it is selfish. I know its wrong, but I want God to love me more. I want God to love me so much that he couldn’t want the love of the person who hurt me.
Yes, its a double standard. And yes, I have a hard time accepting that my sins and the sins from what this man even begin to compare. Yes, I know in God’s eyes they are the same. But is it okay, that the thought of that hurts desperately inside?
I try and see past it. I try to view the man as God views him. But I struggle to see past my own hurt. I struggle to trust God. After all it was a staff member of my church who abused me within the church walls. And I felt so alone.
And I worry. I worry that my abuser will convince God he’s sorry even if he’s not. That God won’t see the master manipulator that he truly is. Irrational I know. But I worry that God will forgive him when really behind the mask evil remains. Even though I know Jesus in the desert was able to see Satan’s evil.
And it saddens me that I feel this way. It reminds me how much I do need God’s redemption. It reminds me how broken I am. And I want, ney need to accept God’s grace, but I don’t want to do it without attaching strings to His offer. Strings that exclude him allowing to give the same grace to my abuser.
I wonder if I am trying to hurt God. If he so desires my love, perhaps I am using His love for me to try to force His hand. Perhaps I am simply trying to spite him for not saving me from this heartache.
At the end of it all, I’m left feeling like such a horrible person for feeling this way.
i know you have gone through unspeakable pain at the hands of someone else, ashley. thank you for sharing your heart so openly and transparently. i can relate to your questions and wonderings and struggles.
you are on my heart so much tonight.
this allows us to be so humble and just rest in him.
being so thankful and so loving.
leaves me in awe.
and of course I love you Mammabird ALECE :)
your perspective never fails to teach me, girl.
that’s exactly how i feel after reading every single one of your blog posts, fritz. i’m serious.
Ooh. I get this. I think. At least a little. How amazing He is.
Thanks for this
Jesus never does what we expect. He used fishermen to spread His ministry and not the theologians of the time. He ate with tax collectors and socialized with promiscuous women. What is immoral or ‘wrong’ to us is perfect and wonderful to Him. So, we think that Jesus dying for the sins of a murderer AND the sins of the victim is unjust and unfair. Why should the murderer have his sins forgiven when he killed innocent lives? I just tell myself that perfect grace and perfect love won’t always make sense to me. And somehow, there is a little freedom in that. I’m not making the judgment. Instead I get to bask in His forgiveness and marvel at His perfect decisions…even if they hurt.
that’s the double standard of my heart. i want to accept the work of the cross for my sins and hurts, but not for my husband’s. and when i can get to the point of asking the Lord to forgive him and bring him back to Himself, there’s still a large part of me hoping that he’ll still have to face harsh consequences for his choices.
as long as i’m wanting him to hurt like i have hurt, my heart hasn’t finished wrestling.
and so… i wrestle still.
There are no truer words in my own life. It seems like some days I can find the mercy. I can let go of the anger and the past. But others I have to keep my vengeance in check. And these days it seems more days are filled with the latter than the former.
the fact that you’re fighting to keep your ‘vengeance’ in check says so much about your heart and your character.
i know it’s a hard fight though. trusting Him to give you strength for your journey today.
Yes, but you choose to wrestle. You don’t just walk away or turn your back. You come back and go for the next round.
wow. there’s so much said in so few words here.
this reminds me how much i still need to learn in the area of forgiveness and love…and the understanding of Christ’s perfect forgiveness.
This is in my top five favorite posts of yours along with the woman with the issue of blood and the one about Samuel “listen Lord for your servant is speaking” (that was so profound for me ans still is). And a few more that I can’t remember right now. I feel like I did read this after I knew what you were speaking of or maybe I went back and reread it. Its a good one to keep in mind. Thanks for posting and reposting. Maybe I should print out all the posts that really speak to my heart and put them in a folder just to re read again and again. Hm sounds like a good project.
you are such an encourager to me, always. thank you, faith.