now i get it
This week last year was hell on earth. I honestly don’t know how I managed to stay standing breathing.
I’d finally found irrefutable proof of my husband’s affair—evidence I knew he wouldn’t be able to deny or push back on me. But for a long list of complicated reasons, I had to wait until the end of the week to confront him with it. I had interns who deserved the best debriefing possible. And I had Thanskgiving to cook for 30-some-odd people.
So I said nothing to him about it.
I told only my Kitty, and her frequent phone calls and texts got me through the seemingly never-ending week. Somehow I led debriefing sessions, prayed over my beloved interns, drove 16 hours home, cooked for a small army, and hosted a holiday meal. All with evidence of my husband’s lengthy unfaithfulness tucked in my back-pocket.
And the morning after Thanksgiving, I pulled the cord.
The weight of that week—that I couldn’t express or let out last year—is weighing on me now. And it’s crushing me. If my sweet friend were here, I’d cry it out on the bathroom floor yet again.
But still I know, just like a year ago, I will keep standing. Keep breathing. Even when I don’t know how. And even when I don’t want to.
God, You are Redeemer. Redeem even this.
oh my heart.
i just love you.
oh honey. i just love you… and hurt for you so much right now.
i wish i could just hug you.
i wanna give you a jacey-bird hug so bad right now.
YOU are by far the strongest woman i know in my life.
God is using this for HIS GLORY.
i would be crying out screaming on the floor with you having you WRAPPED IN MY ARMS.
you are not only my hero, you are my friend, you are family.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.
keep that head up and know that everything is going to be alright.
you are so family, jaceybird. i’ll be missing you tomorrow. a lot.
I love you. I love you very much.
I hate that you have to suffer this. I hate that I can’t give you a hug.
I can’t think of anything to say that would possibly be enough. But I love you.
Keep going.
:) It’s like I keep reminding myself, God is in the restoration business!
Oh, my sweet sister, I have “been there, done that” and He will redeem it. He already is. You just keep walking. You can do it. I am walking alongside you.
God definitely will! I so thought of you this morning as I reading Psalm 40 and saw the verse you posted yesterday. But the verse after the one you post it really struck me for you and for me personally:
3 He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
Many will see what He has done in YOUR life and will be amazed. God will use this to draw others to Himself. Thats so amazing that the God of the universe would use our life hurts and hangups to draw others to Him. I mean that just excited me because my life seems pretty ordinary, but God is making His story known through my life and yours.
So He will redeem you. He will give you a new song to sing. and He will use you to bless others. I know you have already blessed mine.
Love.
i want many to see and be amazed and put their trust in the Lord. i want Him to make life out of my brokenness…
I always marvel at how I remember to brush my my teeth at times like that.. Some relationships are broken today and will, quite likely, remain that way for the remainder of my time here. Other relationships are stronger than ever, and will likely continue to strengthen for the remainder of my time here. In times like this, I too find myself focused on the former rather than the later. My therapist tells me, that’s okay.
Oh, I pray that God would wrap his arms around you everyday…but more so this week/weekend. You are the strongest women I know…I love you so much..my heart breaks for yours. God hears your cries and is close to you…he is there holding your hand. Take it..and let him guide you…
This made bawl sitting on my couch this morning….
YOU are a woman I so so admire.
Really!
admire?
wow. thank you, fierce friend.
Yes admire…. very very much!!
“God never allows anything that He doesn’t redeem!” I read that quote last week and oh the amazing peace that came with it. Wow! Not me redeeming or figuring it out, but God! He is redeeming things in ways you don’t see yet that are so glorious they will bowl you over. I am praying and grieving with you. Love you bunches!
He will redeem even this… your pain is all too familiar… & I know HE will redeem it. I am living it out… it’s taking longer than I wanted, but I am finally feeling it in my bones that HE is redeeming
I’m so sorry, Alece. I’ve read your comments on FB and wondered why this week is so hard. I’m praying for you…
i didn’t realize the why until last night… i knew thanksgiving would be hard (as all holidays are) but i couldn’t understand what was wrong with me… why i was struggling as much as i was. and then late last night, it hit me…
Sometimes the parallels are too much. I found out about my husbands affair the Saturday before Thanksgiving, and it was the day after Thanksgiving I finally told my sister what was going on, then and only then that the words became real – when I had to speak them to someone else. When the questions in my heart escaped her lips. She held my hand and it was the start of a very long journey. Often, she has been there, holding my hand. My heart aches for you, but I know too, He redeems in amazing ways. People told me that too and it only served to anger me at the time, why them and not me? Give Him time, let Him show you how He needs you to change through this, give Him space in Your heart to fill those places you think no one will ever be in again, and in time that all encompassing alone fades and you realize – He fills those places in amazing ways. Time my sweet girl, it is the hardest thing to wait but sometimes it is all that we mere mortals are able to do.
I feel like you are writing my story from 2001, every broken painful shard… oh how my heart hurts with you… I asked God this morning as I was walking into work, “God, whenever I see Christmas lights, please place Alece first in my thoughts so that I can pray for her.”
May my Christmas be flooded with lights so that you are encouraged to know you are being prayed for, that you are not alone, and that God has you on heart and is placing you in the strong, praying arms of the family of faith around you.
JRS
wow… praying for me when you see christmas lights? thank you. really.
I’d be there with your fav pillow in hand. I wish I could tight you. For now, i’m rowing.
tight me when i see you? please?
oh—and i’m bringing my pillow next time.
I’m praying along with you today “God, Redeemer, redeem even this!!!”
Alece,
As I read back over previous posts that you highlighted in your blog my heart aches for you.
When someone you have loved betrays you, well there’s just no pain like it. It’s one where you feel as if a knife has not only been inserted deep into your heart, but plunged in and out, making cuts that feel will never heal….
But God does heal..
One day…..you will wake up and find that when the memory floods into your mind, it doesn’t hurt so much. One day you will see this event much like a scar…. you remember what happened but you don’t feel the pain any longer.
I am praying for His grace to blanket you… His arms to enfold you…. His heartbeat to calm you… as you rest in His embrace…
He is coming for you…. I see Him!
Oh, Alece. My heart just breaks with and for you. I wish I could be there to wrap my arms around you and let you cry and scream until you are exhausted from it. And I would rock you and bruch your tears away and give you tissues for your snotty nose and a cool rag for your head and ibuprofen for the inevitable headache to follow. I know how that kind of hollow emptiness feels. I can only imagine the anger, the hurt, the betrayal. I so wish I could bear this for you. I KNOW the Father does NOT turn His back on us. He never turns away, never betrays. And He always loves, comforts, heals and, yes, redeems. How I long for the time that the redemption is here. But we can know that it is real and reliable and true because of The Source, even though we have yet to experience it. Let Him love and comfort you today, knowing how I wish I could be God with flesh on for you today. Loving you in VA.
All I have for you is prayer, HUGS, and love….
What strength and. Courage. And love and honor for your interns. I think this is clear that you have put too much on yourself at times but I bet your interns are greatful for their last week in SA and the love and blessings you poured out on them. God works all things out for His good. I’m praying for you for blessings and another round of healing. Love you
wow.
praying for you.
Putting the interns and others above yourself so that they would have that Thanksgiving memory…. that was good selfless.
What a year. What a year. And here you are, still standing.
Every labored breath you have taken in this past year proclaims the truth that you are still very much alive, with eyes fixed on the One who will – and is – bringing you through this dark tunnel. There is a day coming when you will realize you are more healed, and all of this more redeemed, than you ever dreamed possible. Not by your own might and power, but by His Spirit. It’s already happening.
I’ll be praying for an extra measure of His grace to bring you through this weekend.
i spent a few hours with bonnie today — it was just what i needed to boost my heart for tomorrow. seeing her made me miss YOU more… i hope you are well, my friend.
love you.
Awwww…… Sniff. So glad you two got to have that time together. I’m jealous!
Happy Thanksgiving, friend. Thankful for another year of having you and the Grit in my life.
i’ll be praying for you this holiday season.
wish i could lay on the floor with you and we could both just cry for a little while and let Him hold us. praying for you lots today and wish you were here with us to celebrate!
Wow. ya. Makes total sense…. Prayin’ for you today. And tomorrow.
…For several days now, I’ve been replaying last year in my mind. Friend… my heart is crying with you.
What a mess…
and what beauty God will bring from these ashes.
I love you. You are an amazing woman.
Sigh. Praying for you. Hugs and love from Alabama.
Oh my goodness. I cannot even imagine the agony of that week. My heart cries with you.