i still we on myself
November 2, 2009
I still we when I talk. Even though I haven’t been a we for more than a half a year. I can’t help it. I’ve been a we for almost a decade. We started Thrive together. We led our staff team together. We did almost everything together.
We were we.
Now I am I.
And I have to retrain my tongue. Because many of my responses are automatically plural. “We started Thrive eleven years ago…” “That’s one of our favorite places…” “Usually when we travel in the States…”
Each time I slip, I cringe inside. Not because I made a mistake. But because of what it represents.
But just as my wedding ring tan line eventually faded away, my habitual we will slowly dissipate as well.
Until one day I’ll realize I haven’t we’d on myself in quite a while.
Hello Alece -
I ended up here by way of Sarah Markley’s blog, which I ended at by way of Traylor Lovvorn’s blog, which…..well, it was a roundabout way. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. It hits very close to home, because like you, I am also now an I rather than a We. Like you, there was someone else in my spouse’s life. Like you, I was willing to do anything to save my marriage. Like you, I was told that there was no desire to reconcile. Like you, I have tried to take responsibility for my part in the failure of our marriage, have repented, and asked for God’s forgiveness. Like you, I am asking God to continue to reveal to me what I need to work on. In so many ways, I am like you. But I have to wonder after reading your blog if you aren’t also like me. I wonder, but I don’t know. You may not know right now, either, but I know that God will reveal it to you as you seek Him. So let me tell you about me. Despite what has happened in my marriage, I still love my spouse. God has given me a love for her now that I cannot understand. A love that is stronger than it has ever been, despite the divorce being final just 11 weeks ago, despite someone else being in her life. A new, selfless love that is unconditional, despite the betrayal and rejection. A love that is willing to wait for her for however long it takes. God has revealed to me the true meaning of covenant, and the understanding that a covenant can still be kept even if it is violated by one party, because God is part of the covenant and always will be if the other party is still upholding it. I am standing for my marriage, and interceding on behalf of my wayward spouse. I am letting go, but I am not giving up. I am believing that God is a god of healing and restoration, that He changes hearts, and that even divorce is not too much for Him to overcome. I am trusting that He will do for us what He has done for other hopeless marriages. You may think this all sounds crazy, and you may decide you are not like me after all. I pray that you continue on your journey of healing and that God will make your path clear. Peace and blessings, Rainer.
you have a wonderful, strong, hopeful, faith-filled heart. i’m praying for you today.
The heart I now have is one that God gave me once I was willing to surrender it all to Him and try to walk in obedience. It is all to His glory.
Thank you for your comments and follow-up email, Alece. It is clear that God is working in your life. I have sent you a reply. Peace.
I proverbially ‘we’ when I blog; balancing ownership of my issues over many other shoulders. I too need to ‘I’ and own my stuff.
I hope that you don’t mind that I find your terminology humorous. Ha! We on myself. Clever.
I am sorry you “we” on yourself. I really can only imagine how hard this has been for you, and just the pure imagination of it brings me such pain…. I am sure the reality of it is much more intense and huge.
Sending my love as always.
I have only had a wedding ring for 5 months now. At first I took it off to sleep, now I have to wear it or I feel like I forgot something. When you said that your tan line was faded and that you were a “we” for a decade, I understood partly, how different that must feel. I have only been a “we” for a minute compaired to your “we-ness” (ha) but I understood why those details were important to this post.
I can’t even start to understand the hurt and victory in your life right now, however, I am so damn greatful that you are fighting for victory.
I love you.
I support you.
I am so excited for YOU!
“the hurt and victory”… the paradox makes it hard to breathe at times.
i don’t know that i will ever stop the “we”. every memory is a “we”,”us”, “our”. 19 years he was my other half. it’s been such a long time since i’ve been an “I”. now that i write that out, i realize that somewhere in there i might have also lost myself. which isn’t all bad since we’re called to be with one with our spouse, but i do want to find me again.
does this make any sense at all?? i just love ya and appreciate you more than you can know.
i want to find me again, too.
i don’t even know what/who i’m looking for though.
I’m sure that is very hard to weed out of your vocabulary. I’ve been married 10.5 years and I usually write and say we whenever I am in conversation. Maybe if you slip up you can add in…”me and God”. :) Hugs to you!!
mmm friend. i’m sorry. i still have the thrive magnets and pictures of all of us on our fridge…im not sure what im supposed to do with them…i dont really want to take them down. i’m so sorry… wish i could hug you today.
you don’t need to take them down…
and i’d love that hug.
I love that you made this post funny. Your a trooper girl! I used to think that when the day came and you realized you didn’t do “that” any more or you didn’t feel a certain way or you didn’t We on yourself that with the realization would come great sadness and pain. Now I see these losses as gains. I hope that when you finally quit Weing on your self (: that you won’t feel sad for its loss but glad that you could move past this. Some we’s will probably always remain but I hope that when you do we that it won’t be painful. Love you!
This “we’ing” thing is so normal. I have had this same thing happen post-breakups. And I only dated someone for a year or two. Nothing compared to you…
But more importantly this is awesome…. “Until one day I’ll realize I haven’t we’d on myself in quite a while.” You make me laugh.
And if it is painful you can always drink some cranberry juice. I hear that takes away we pain. Ha ha sorry I couldn’t resist!
:)
Ah my girl . . . it was just a few weeks ago I visited a place “we” had been. . . and when I told a story of that trip I said “I”. For the first time not consciously changing it over in my head as I spoke but just pouring out words and realizing later that “I” was “we”.
I’ll whisper another secret to you. The “We” fades as you realize you have value as “I”.
i feel like in some ways, that i can’t adequately explain, i’ve lost my history. mourning the loss of my own history, my own past, is hard…
i “have value as i”… working on seeing that. some days its an easier battle than others…
If it is any consolation, with Him, there is always a “WE”. Just change your perspective of who is in the WE with you!
you are so darn clever! extra kudos to you for your play on words (i’m assuming the pun was intended).
i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again. you are awesome and i love you!
i giggled at the end of that…
… you are ONE brave girl. you are ah-maz-ing!!!
I understand this in a very minute way….. because while I was hating Jake I hated even more when I would talk as if we would work out. I hated when he talked as if we would work out. I hated the “we’s” because I felt like there weren’t going to be many of them left, so I wanted to leave them behind right then and there. I can image how much the “we’s” hurt you, and I hope one day you can love and own your “I’s” without an twinge of sadness. I love you.
I love “I” in you because it stood up and withstood the storm.
Loving you!
A-ness we’s on herself? Too. Perfect.
Love your courage, strength, and openness.
you’ve made me smile today, stace. thank you!
Alece,
I love the title of this one…very creative! But I wanted to say that you are so amazing and courageous. You as an “I” is blessed and strong. Praying for you.
You’re a brilliant writer.
And I’m so sorry that you can no longer say “we”. I can’t imagine how that must feel.
You are strong.
I love you.
it’s been too long, spoons. i wanna hear about this love on your arm. [and thank you for your words...]
The tension of grief is so freaking hard. Everything feels like little by little. curses! i know that there is grief in the “we”, but there is some times more grief in the “I”. both are hard. both carry sadness. The fading is hard. There is a lot loss. I am sorry for your heaviness. I am rowing for your weeness. BW.
right now the “i” holds more grief than the “we”…
and my wenis misses your wenis. BW.
Your journey to restoration began the day you felt that you could share your story. Each time you write you are purging more and more of the brokenness that has attached itself to you, but as you continue to trust the Lord to make you whole, and restore you fully, all the broken parts will be made new. New you, new ministry, new vision, new love. You are so worthy of it all, and we continue to pray for complete restoration for you. You are so loved , weezer
Dang. Girl you are strong. Like crazy strong!! I respect you for walking through this process.
I can really imagine how painful this significant change in vocabulary is. Many are standing with you in love and confidence that, someday, this pain WILL lessen and not cause you to gasp for breath with the kind of intensity it does now.
I had the thought that, just on this blog alone, there are lot of people that make up a different kind of “we” for you now.
But as others have said already, the real “we” is you and Him.
my heart has felt so strengthened by the collective “we” of friends who’re standing with me right now…
Loss.
Rejection.
Pain.
They hurt. Like a lot. Like there are no words.
But for each of those, God is a healer. We gain in Jesus Christ. He accepts us. And He walks with us through our pain because He walked on the same earth we walk on a long time ago.
That doesn’t make it any better. The pain is going to hurt and the others are still going to stink. But with God on your side, you are rockin it. your team is rockin it. you and God are rockin it. So even though you can have TREMENDOUS loss, life in Christ is such a MAGNIFICENT win. and even though you can be rejected by man, Christ will accept you deeper and more than you can ever know. And even though you’re hurting, there will be freedom from this pain. And God is with you, stranger.
I don’t mean to belittle what you are saying here by saying something clever or cheap – but it seems to me that as you grow and learn and become what you are becoming – God is making you into whatever it is that He is growing you into because you are surrendering and obeying and so it maybe might not be as you may want it to look like or sound like and people may not understand it and maybe you might not get it either but seriously, you have never been alone on this journey. Not even a moment of it. I know how isolating it may feel and I know the days are long and crazy – but wow Alece. I promise, we are going to get through this and tomorrow is going to be better, even if it takes us several days to get there. You are loved beyond measure.
Man, that’s a tough one, sass. There is loss, but also just not wanting to be alone. I find myself talking in “we” referring to me and the DOG. There is something comforting about that sentiment… I’m sorry you’re missing it.
Just know that while I’ll never be sitting next to you holding your hand, you’re never alone in this.
My heart cries with/for you.
I hope with each day, each post, the image of the old “we” starts to fade into the background, as the “we” of all your friends, family and your God, shines more brightly.
Ahh… when you slip up, just imagine you’re a queen and that is just a “royal we”.
I went through that time when I was no longer a “we” and didn’t know if I ever would be again… in a small way, I can relate, and whew… tough…
There will always be a “we” – yourself and the Lord!
Dang pronouns.