shoulds
I’m not as brave or as strong as anyone thinks I am.
Yes, I often choose hard. And I’ve endured a fair share of crap in my life. And I try to carry myself well, live worthy of my suffering, and make wise choices.
But most of that isn’t because I’m brave.
It’s because I’m driven by shoulds.
I’ve always done what I should do. As a child, a student, a missionary, a wife, a leader. Even now, I’m making choices because they are the right thing to do. It’s the should factor that got me to attend the new members class at church. It’s the should factor that made me sign up for a small group. It’s the should factor that keeps forcing me into awkward situations. And I hate awkward.
For the most part, the shoulds always pay off. They’re supposed to anyway. In the long run, I’m usually glad when I finally get to the end result of all the shoulds. When I look back over my shoulder at my path from should to should, I’m typically glad I walked that road.
But I feel a tinge of guilt and shame when I’m applauded for my bravery. For my strength. For my resolve. Because deep down I know the truth, that it wasn’t any of those things. It was just the shoulds.
Maybe that’s okay. Maybe I should be okay with that being okay. Sigh.
I guess I shouldn’t mind if the shoulds are what give me the initial kick in the pants. Maybe it shouldn’t matter what my motivation is at the start, as long as I learn through the journey and make it to the finish line.
I don’t know.
I just know that right now I don’t feel brave. Or strong. Or resolute. But I’ll face what comes today simply because I should.
And hopefully that will be enough.
i loveeee the shoulds and i hate awkward moments.
i always think of george washington at an awkward moment though….<——— TALK ABOUT AWKWARD HAHAHA.
but i love you mammabird.
keep them army guns up :)
what the heck are you talking about?! i’m laughing out loud here, trying to figure out what you mean about GW!
haha you hate awkwardness so i had to think of the most awkward random thing to say.
long story short————> on outreach staff one summer a mission team member hated awkward silences so he busts out this:” JACE—-> every time you have an awkward silence now your gonna think of george washington. every awkward silence and every awkward moment.”
sounds crazy mammabird but every awkward moment somehow georgie seems to pop up haha.
high five to outreach staff babbbbbbbbby haha.
this was a good post though :)
that is so random. but you know what?
george is gonna be settin’ up camp in my brain!
haha good cause it’s been stalking me for about ooo say 5 years now.
but it’s cool.
i know i should be writing more blogs like you mammabird.
and i’m glad i am gonna be going to Africa and stepping out to come work with you.
because it’s always been a should in my heart.
Have you ever notice the similarities of the words ‘should’ and ‘shoulder’.
Nothing too deep here this morning. Only want to let you know that I am very proud of you for heeding the shoulds. Not everyone even hears them. Then there is you. Not only do you hear them you heed them.
I really do think we should try to hook up ASAP. (wink)
The “shoulds” are usually the stumbling block for people. The cost of choosing the should usually keeps others from moving forward or choosing the hard. I think the fact that you are actually doing what’s awkward, what’s hard, what’s uncomfortable, the extra mile, if even just for you, makes your shoulds brave.
thank you for calling out the courage you see in me, sweet friend…
I wrote a short poem to me childhood-self. I grew up in an abusive home thinking (ok believing) myself to be weak and cowardly. I see things differently now, thanks to my friend.
a child dies … a fearful time.
some days neglect … some days a crime.
detached, i watch … life slip away.
i cannot reach … me from today.
i turn my back … refuse to cry.
forget the past … just let it die.
i suck it up … i forge ahead.
deny the pain … pretend instead.
he chased me down … to find me here
an’ make me face … forgotten years.
i scream, “there’s nothing … there to see!”
yet he persists … this ghost in me.
no one can see … no one quite knows
that grievous death … pervades my soul
i kneel today … down by my grave
to offer tears … you were so brave.
to offer tears … you were so brave.
Permit yourself to know this same truth about yourself, sans pride or guilt.
thank you for sharing from your heart…
Interesting… I have a mentor who talks about “shoulding” yourself to death, because we get bound up and frustrated by others’ expectations. And then we don’t live in the freedom and grace of Jesus.
But I am sitting here thinking, I do alot of things because I should. I don’t want to get bound up by religion that says I should do this or don’t do that, but I do understand that God knows me and uses the pressure of “shoulds” to get me where He wants me…
I’m with Melissa here. I’ve had many great teachers of grace say, “Don’t should all over yourself.”
I’m loving the Message on Matt. 11:28-30:
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with Me and work with Me — watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythyms if grace. Keep company with Me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.
Sometimes “shoulds” feel right, but many times they’re just a cover-up to make us feel better…not necessarily what He’s called us to do. His yoke is easy. His burden is light..
I’m trying to learn how to live light. I grew up with “shoulds” being expressed constantly and did an amazing job of keeping them all. Only to burn out. It wasn’t what He called me to do…it was me trying to “be right” on my own.
I’m not at all saying this is the case with you, Alece. It’s just a lesson from my life…
i try too often and too hard to “be right” on my own, too.
learning…
i think it’s the shoulds that we follow that make us brave and strong. maybe that’s part of being an adult? hmm…not sure. i’ll go ask a real adult and find out. ;)
yeah…um…i wasn’t meaning to say YOU aren’t the adult. that was at me. k.
It’s hard for me to discern the shoulds from God, and the shoulds that I put on myself (or allow others to — or what I even THINK others expect of me, which might not even be true!), but I’d like to think that I’m getting better, with God’s help, in that.
I don’t know if this has anything to do with anything, but reading everyone’s responses reminds me of something I learned in a Bible study maybe 8 years ago:
Just because there’s a need doesn’t mean I have to meet it. And it doesn’t always mean anyone else is, either. Some “needs” aren’t needs, and sometimes a legitimate need NEEDS to be left unmet, for reasons God knows best.
“…deep down I know the truth, that it wasn’t any of those things. It was just the shoulds. Maybe it shouldn’t matter what my motivation is at the start…”
Maybe God is challenging you in this season for this very reason. Maybe He wants you to be the person behind the shoulds because that’s the real you, the one He knows and you don’t, the one He can work with, the one He knows can accomplish more when motivations are…Well, a little deeper than should. So maybe He just wants you to be you. The real you. Not the should you.
“I’m not as brave or as strong as anyone thinks I am.”
Yes you are.
Anyone reading your blog will know this. Just one example, you left your home and traveled thousands of miles away to bring faith to people. That takes courage.
There are only a few words in the English language I hate, should have are two of them. Every day I, and probably everone else in the world, remembers decisions, or events, that did not work out the way we planed. Something we regret not doing. That’s just being human, and it is of course a waste of time.
I like what Jace said about thinking of a word, like George Washington, when you starting getting negative thoughts. At those times I would suggest you think about something you feel you should be doing at that moment. Then think about how you can do it.
“I just know that right now I don’t feel brave. Or strong. Or resolute. But I’ll face what comes today simply because I should.”
Facing the day, when you would rather stay under the covers, takes bravery. Facing what comes each day is being resolute. When life smacks you in the face, and you pick yourself up, and keeping moving forward, which you are doing, shows how strong you are.
maybe you dont think so or feel like you deserve the title of brave….
…but you still do the hard things. even if its not for a deep conviction, passion or knowing, you are still choosing the right thing.
a long time ago, i wrote a post about courage and asked all my readers what makes them brave. mandy replied this way, and i think about these words often, “knowing that there are things in life that are more important than my fears”. and, friend, you have done that. you choose the more important things over comfort and fear.
is it odd to say that i liked this post? i relate to this. many times my motiviations are “should” as well….dare i say, not even love…but the “shoulds”.
i think “doing it afraid” is one of the most brave things there is – what courage is in a thing if its not big or scary or intimidating?!
i heard bill winston say this on monday (via internet): “when you hear His voice, the next thing its going to take from you is courage. i guarantee it.”
i love you!
thank you for this, friend. it meant a lot to me.
There are so many ‘good shoulds’ and just as many ‘bad shoulds’ (the false guilt ones)—I pray you hear and follow the ‘good shoulds’ and not worry or get caught up in the ‘bad shoulds’…I pray that for myself too!!
i feel like I live in the shoulds. all the time.
love you, girl.
The “brave” tend to be every bit as afraid as everyone else if not more. When things start going well or people commend us for “bravery” it often only adds to the confusion and sense of unworthiness. We might be big enough to handle what is going on around but he is.
I can’t help but laugh at memories. I’ve been laughing since about half-way through the blog. “And I hate awkward”–the phrase that got me going.
(unsure of where this came from) I had my share of awkwardness last year lol. First being “Alece, you are so beautiful”-mid-discussion Intro to World Missions. Second (in my odd-ness), strageically placing my hand on your bottom (lol) and you not moving, flinching, bothered.
Awkward was funny…to me :) Hope this makes you smile like it did me!
okay, i am cracking up over here, miss crys. and you have no idea how much i needed the comic relief right this second!
your “you are so beautiful” goes down in the thrive history books as one of my all-time favorite/funny moments.
and i’d totally forgotten about the awkward “cop a feel” moment. but, man oh man, that is funny!
love you!