i am (not) third
I struggle to make myself a priority. Ever.
I know we are called to put others first, to love sacrificially, and to serve others rather than ourselves. The belief in those things has developed in me the heart of a missionary; it’s made me an empathetic leader.
But I’ve taken those truths to an untrue extreme.
As a child I wore a necklace with a “3rd” pendant. It served as a simple reminder that Jesus is first, others are second, and I am third. A healthy and Biblical way to approach life—when taken in the right context.
But somehow in the context of my own mind and heart, it became unhealthy.
It became an inability to know who I am and to give my own needs and desires any priority. It morphed me into a woman who has difficulty asserting myself, voicing an opinion, and making a decision that benefits me. It’s made me incredibly uncomfortable in situations where all eyes are on me or I’m forced to be the center of attention (even when it’s supposed to be a good thing). It’s formed the blanket of apology I’ve carried around my entire life.
I’m calling a moratorium on all this I am third crap.
It needs to stop.
I’m learning that putting me first is sometimes the best decision I can make. That it’s not wrong healthy to stand on my own two feet and be my own person. That I am enough.
I know there needs to be a balance. I certainly don’t intend to become arrogant, selfish, and unable to see or meet the needs of others. But of course the road to hell is paved with good intentions. So I’m grateful I have friends who will call me out if they ever see the pendulum swinging too far in that direction.
While this paradoxical statement may not make sense outside my own brain, this is how I’m trying choosing to live my life from now on:
I will always put others first, but I will no longer put myself last.
:deep breath:
Good for you, Alece.
Good for you.
Thank you for continuing to share.
(Iloveyou)
AMEN!! I so feel your heartbeat on this one. When you put yourself last, in thinking that’s the “unselfish” thing to do, it takes away from God what He wants to do through you. It’s like cutting him off at the knees. Keep pressing forward my friend–it’s great where you’re going!!
this is huge. i’m glad you are sharing your heart with me (us). thank God for healing.
I love your painful honesty and self-awareness.
FYP
This is so good for you to know before you become a mother. Although I do think you are mothering Thrive so it is good all around that you are learning this.
This is something I was challenged with when I read a book self-published by a woman about finances. She said that if a woman ever hopes to become financially prosperous she must learn to pay herself first. (Not necessarily a biblically based book but that is ok.) She gave several examples of how to do this and one especially stuck with me. She said, “Don’t eat the burnt piece of toast.” I used to do that! It was the only one left and I wanted the others to have the good pieces. Also I didn’t want it to go to “waste”. So now I don’t choke down charred toast, as well as other habits that I am still learning so as to not misuse myself.
Also, this not putting myself last all the time helps me personally to stay away from the martyrs pit of false pride. Oh that is a big one for me!
I AM SO VERY VERY PROUD OF YOU ALECE! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting us walk this road with you. You are so brave!!!
By the way… What you are doing for yourself is awesome. It’s inspiring me to look differently in the mirror, if you know what I mean.
(Love you)
you are enough!
I love how you always usher people into deeper truth.
Thank you for your willingness to risk
you are hearing a great stirring!
Yes ma’am! You are enough … more than enough! I am so thankful for this journey where the Lord is showing you that your are His daughter, a beloved princess in His kingdom. You are an amazing creation. Beautiful. I am thankful He is answering prayers in your life. And, wow, what you will be able to teach those precious children and people you minister to in Africa when you internalize and live fully what He is teaching you. Proud of you, Alece!
What a powerful lesson, Alece. When one always puts themselves last – or always puts themselves first – then that person is not allowing God to be as big as He is. Good for you for recognizing that both are not healthy.
Good on you, Alece. People seem to forget the passages in the bible that said Jesus left the crowd and went to a solitude place (which translated means he went for some alone time with his Dad). Health is what keeps us going to be able to serve others. If you’re not mentally, physically and spiritually fit what good are you to serve?? Good on you.
* standing up and clapping *
This makes me think of that book Teri Hatcher put out called Burnt Toast. She said that when her mom made toast in the morning if a piece was burnt she would sacrifice her own happiness and eat the burnt one while giving the good toast to her family. She made the decision that she wasn’t going to accept burnt toast in her life… that she would teach her daughter that no one needs to take the burnt toast, but instead she would throw it out and wait for the perfect piece to be made.
I loved the analogy… we don’t always have to sacrifice our happiness for others by taking the scraps that are left… we can throw out the burnt toast and each have a beautiful piece.
It is good to read you are making progress in your struggle of understanding. It takes a lot of courage just to reach the point of being willing ask the kinds of important question as you are.
No longer putting your self last is a good step. If you don’t value yourself it is likely many others won’t either. They may not give as much value your ideas and opinions. I think this process you are going through, as difficult as I am sure it is, could make you an even better leader than you already are.
I am so proud of you! You are taking so many steps in a great direction. This is something I know I’ve done so much! It’s easy to put everyone else above our own needs. I know at the end of some days I wonder if I’ve really done ONE thing for my own health or well-being. Though selfishness is a huge issue in most everyones life…it’s so different than what you are talking about. It is wonderful to see what boundaries you need to set for YOU and to do it! I need to do it more.
I love reading what you are learning. :)
love this post! esp the very last line.
i find it so hard to give to others day in and day out if I don’t take the time to tend to my needs (my relationship with my Heavenly Father, my physical health, my husband and our family.) I can not give to others if my cup is dry or broken.
always praying!
Alece, this is a beautiful thing you are learning. I tend to do the same thing, but fortunately, I’m on the fast track of making myself a priority since I have no choice being pregnant. Still praying for you!
I know just what you mean and am quite the same way! try five years of coming last in my own home! (maybe TMI, sorry). I LOVE your last comment!
“I will always put others first, but I will no longer put myself last.”
Thanks for that, i will keep it in my mind!
you guys are soooooo good to me. thanks, friends!
If The Most High God values you enough to spend all of eternity with YOU…
…Well, kinda useless to argue with that, isn’t it? ;)
woohoo! good for you, chickadee!!
I love you so so much friend. SO MUCH.
I am so glad you are having these revelations and coming to a place where you are comfortable voicing them OUTLOUD. That alone is a huge step.
(((hugs))) <— this just doesn’t give the real hug justice! ;-)
WOW. I guess after reading this it sort of took my breath away for a second. Firstly b/c I am happy that God is revealing this to you and that you are able to sort of reverse it, and secondly because it’s a good check on my part. I find myself sometimes in that same rut. hmmm…
I started reading this post … and got sidetracked, and my Reader marked it as ‘read’ so I didn’t get back to it until I remembered … “Hey, there was that post …”
I’m so glad you’re not only at this point but making this decision. It is healthy. I am reminded of the ‘second greatest’ commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” It does not say, “Love your neighbor more than yourself.” Nor does it say, “Love your neighbor less than yourself.” It puts the balance equally between the two: Love your neighbor in the same way that you love yourself. And in that context, it actually makes loving yourself a slightly higher priority. Because if you don’t love yourself … can you actually love others? Or is perhaps what you’re showing not love but … guilt? an attempt for approval? (I say ‘you’ as a general ‘person’ you … not … ‘you’ Alece.) These things are false, and it is only in understanding that we must love – not be absorbed with or puffed up about, but love – ourselves, that we can understand how it is that God loves. I see God … that He never betrays who He is to love us. He doesn’t become someone less that who He is in order to serve us. He will serve … but He has boundaries. “I will not give My glory to another.” That sentence might come across as arrogance if a human said it … but God said it. And He’s not arrogant. So I think somewhere in the mix … God loves Himself. It is a love that creates boundaries, and at the same time flows out in selfless service to the ‘others’ that He loves.
I hope I didn’t come across preachy. I love that you share this stuff and are so raw and real on here. It encourages so many people (including me!) I am truly glad to hear about the good things God is doing in your life. :) Love you!
Rock on!
wow. thank you guys. seriously.
mmm. wise, wise words. i hear ya. and fall into the same trap. grrs. *insert more wrestling here*