i’m sorry
I’ve spent my whole life apologizing for being me.
Those who know me well, know I say “I’m sorry” a lot. A lot. A few people have repeatedly told me to “stop apologizing!” But I can’t seem to.
I’m quick to apologize for things I’ve done wrong, but I’m also quick to take on myself what isn’t mine to own. I am a peacemaker; I can’t stand lack of resolution. So I am almost-always the first to apologize, even when I’m not the one who did wrong.
But more than that—beyond apologizing for what I’ve done, or even for what I’ve not done—I live with a demeanor of apology simply for being me.
I can remember feeling that way as far back as second or third grade. I did well in school, and we all know being the smart kid is never “cool”. So I learned early on to hide my grades from my classmates. Even as an elementary school student, I was apologetic of being myself when “myself” wasn’t socially acceptable.
And it’s bled over into every area of my life as an adult. I apologize for my quietness, for my desire for intimacy, for my personality. I apologize for my opinions and for my lack of opinions. I apologize for who I’m friends with; I apologize for who I’m not friends with. I apologize for my weaknesses and my strengths. I apologize for being… For just… being.
So I’m trying to stop. I’m trying to be okay with being myself and am trying to ease up on the unnecessary “I’m sorry”s. I want to apologize only for those things I actually need to own. I shouldn’t apologize for what’s not mine. Easier said than done.
They say step one is admitting your issue, and that admittance is half the battle. So…
Here’s to progress?!
I was just thinking about how great you are at knowing the depths of your heart. it is another proof to me that you truely are brave. you are willing to go deep. You are willing to wrestle. I admire that and respect that. That characteristic makes me want to know you more as well as usher you into the the holy of holies of me.
you are the definition of authenticity.
this post made me cry. cuz although i dont know you very well – i am sure i know enough to not understand why you would apologize for so much…when all i seem to see in you are strengths, guts, courage, passion, wisdom and love, just to name a few.
im just shaking my head.
God bless you and your work.
“Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” -Matt. 25:40
…but, I do have to ask, if you didn’t say sorry, what would come up for you?
I am so proud of you for admitting it and then being able to articulate it so thoroughly.
Here’s to progress! (no question about it)
And speaking of progress C.S. Lewis has something to say:
You may think you wrote this post for you but He meant if for me this morning…this week… during this night I find myself in. Thank you Alece.
Your heart is real… I’m glad you are realizing that you don’t have to apologize for the beautifulness of what God created YOU inside and out.
You rock my world … Wow I needed this… Truthfully…
(love you… holding)
I do the same thing Alece! I say “sorry” for everything……even when the fault is not mine! I too have started to scale down and realize that I do this. Just the other day Jana was like, “Stop it…..you take blame too much!!!” :) ha!
Hugs…..you are NOT alone!!!
From one ex-apologizer to another… I understand. Totally. :-)
For me, the freedom simply comes in knowing who I am in Christ, and becoming secure in that.
(((((hugs)))))
Alece,
I’m sure this was a hard post to write and an even harder one to realize.
You are beautiful, if you think we know you or not! You are.
I’ve been reading this book that is changing my heart. It’s pretty amazing: it’s about our security, identity and self-image and what we base it all on. it’s more than a “who you are in Christ” promise book. it makes the reader question “if you remove all your labels and titles, who are you really? really?” it examines that if our identity and security is just a tiny bit off as we build the wall of our life, it becomes more and more off balance. i’ve been reading it less than a week and i already see a change in my thinking patterns and responses. i was thinking even before i read this post that you might enjoy this book.
it was written by hal boehm who was one of our Bible school teachers- he is amazing and has a great story. you can find it here: http://catchfire.org/
And…I love you.
Cheers, my dear Alece, for taking that giant, enormous step in front of all of us! Thats what I absolutely love about you, your ability to step out and give your all. You are beautiful inside and out and there is absolutely no need to apologize for any of the talents God has given you. I am thankful for you and for our friendship!!!
Love you girl!
Mo
Oh WOW. Oh amen and AMEN. “having to apologize just for being myself.” I haven’t read a post that so resonated with me like that. I so get what you’re saying.
What’s that saying, “I’m not who you want me to be”? There’s a pricetag I’m paying for that, I’m realizing.
And here’s the real kicker – when you start to put even more on yourself because you want to be a “loving Christian.” To be really, really honest….. sometimes I wish I could re-claim some of my pre-Christian behavior because back then, I wouldn’t have put up with half the garbage I’ve put up with in recent years.
Oh man, Alece, your sharing this is something I really need to hear.
Oh…. and thank you for being YOU. :)
i’m an apologizer too. i apologize for things that aren’t even remotely my fault. I say sorry for everything.
my mother does it too.
the grade thing – i did that too clear on up thru college.
we are similar, I know. every time i read one of your posts i am convinced.
so thank you for sharing this. i am forever trying to stop apologizing – its as if i always feel responsible for all the bad stuff that happens even though it has nothing to do with me.
i’m still thinking…
You know, the whole time I’ve known you, Alece, I can count on ZERO fingers and NO thumbs the number of apologies you owe me.
Keep your chin up. ‘Cause there really are people in your life who actually seriously literally DO love you…
…just the way you are.
The first time I spoke on the phone with Tam she told me to stop apologizing every time I paused because of pain. And then I started apologizing for every time I caught myself apologizing.
Habits are hard to break :)
Yeah for you! Yeah God! He has made you marvelous and wonderful and He doesn’t apologize! You are most precious and I can just hear the exhale at rejoicing in that fact and not apologizing for it. Took me a while to grasp that reality. God made me and remade me and continues to remake me because He loves me! And, I don’t have to apologize! :)
Oh, Alece … I am so thrilled that God led me to know you!
i HAVE to send you one of my recent emails w/ a supervisor after I thought I royally screwed up my research…i’ll send it in a sec…it TOTALLY embodies this post…totally.
i love our similarities.
love them.
I love you just as you, and there is nothing you need to apologize for…why apologize for being YOU? You are amazing. (((hugs)))
gosh, you and i are so alike. people are constantly telling me ‘don’t apologize so much!’ i do it without even thinking, whether or not any apology is needed. things have vastly improved since i’ve been on my own, though, but i vividly remember sneaking my good grades in elementary and middle school. having parents who are teachers, excelling in academics, and being liked by other instructors and coaches certainly didn’t win me any friends. it was hard. there would be a competition between my classmates when we received tests back in math [the one subject i loathed] to see who could make a better grade than me. it hurt, and it’s amazing how something so long ago can still creep into my thoughts!
but i think i’m slowly inching my way toward understanding that i’m okay. i’m okay. just as i am. i’m so glad you’re approaching that truth too. =)
It must be very hard for someone who cares so much about the feelings of others, to stop from expressing that care when you think you may have said, or done something, to hurt another.
You do should listen, and believe, every one here, and I am going to guess anyone who knows you, when they tell you how much of a source of inspiration you are, all the good work you are doing. No need to apologize at all.
Old habits are very hard to change. When you learn the trick of how to do that let me know, I could use some help.
“Here
I appreciate the rawness, Alece. Thank you. I didn’t realize I was getting tense reading this post until you said, “So I
tracee — keep ushering…
tam — i made you cry? trying to refrain from saying “i’m sorry”….
damon — what would come up for me? like what would my other response be? i don’t know…
gigi — great quote!
ric — woah. thank you for saying that.
heidi — i feel like the velveteen rabbit.
sarah — thanks for assuring me i’m not alone!
katie — tryin…
yeller — thanks for recognizing how hard it was for me to write this. and that book you’re reading sounds great.
mo — i’m thankful for you, too…
lisa — hearing how this resonated with you made me glad i hit “publish”.
sarah M — we are VERY the same. i always think that same thing when i read your posts. i’m grateful we’re journeying together.
nor — no thumbs even? wow. (thanks.)
gitz — yes maam, they certainly are.
cathi — here’s to commonalities!
raisin bran — thank you friend…
taylor — thanks for shining the light for me from your spot further down this path…
ed — your comment, as always, was wonderfully kind. thank you.
annie — why was it tensing you up?
Velveteen Rabbit…..
I love that you said that for a million reasons.
(love you)
This reminds me a lot of myself. I only started noticing it a couple years ago though. I never wanted to disappoint people or be accused of doing something wrong so I would apologize for everything.
It will be a difficult task to get rid of that habit, but I think God wants you to be confident too, so He’ll be helping you all the way.
I’m excited for you!
I get you.
thanks for sharing the things that God is doing in your heart. It is pretty amazing to see Him working esp. when they are at times the same things God is working on me for. Progress will definitely come and you walk by the faith of who God created you to be. You are His beloved.
I am still a recovering apologizer myself. I was lucky enough to have a best friend who loved me and believed in me enough to call me out years ago just about any and every time I apologized. But it has taken time and I am still in progress and get called out every once in a while. I understand where you are coming from.
Praying blessings for you tonigt.
Wow and I am so in awe of how your everythings are challenging me like at every turn…not to be narcissistic about it…but dang. So thank you for being open about the process.
yep, i’m totally with you here. I have also spent my entire life appologizing for being who I am.
For being talented, giving, caring, hard working, thorough, pretty, having leadership skills. I’ve spent my life putting on my my cringy face when I succeed at something because I’m afraid others will have issues with me.
I’m not gonna do that anymore. God made me who I am, and gave me the abilities that I have for a purpose. To use them for His glory. And as long as I’m doing just that and not to build a name for myself, I WON’T appologize for being me.
you guys are so good to me. thank you…
I like you
I could’ve written this same post for the most part. My husband yells at me for overly apologizing all the time!! My two year old walks around saying…”sor-ye” to everyone when he barely does a thing. :( I really need to work on this. I could just hug you! Thank you for making me see myself my clearly.
ALECE!!! I haven’t read your blog in a while…
This is me to a T!!! I am the exact same way. I get in trouble by so many people for saying I am sorry too much and then I say, I am sorry for being sorry. LOL…
I forgot how much I adore you…. HUGE HUGS!!!!
Oh girl, I could have WRITTEN this. Seriously. I still remember the day someone told me she was praying that someday I would walk with my head up rather than acting like I was apologizing to the world for being alive and trying to hide that I exist.
I’m so glad she prayed.