have you ever…
… texted while driving?
Or rather—How often do you text while driving?
If you missed the previous Have You Evers, go back and weigh in.
Have you ever brought your laptop into the bathroom?
Or gone commando?
Come on! It’s confession time!
four-minute friday: he held both
Go.
I can’t shake this thought, even though it’s really hard for me to dwell on right now:
Jesus hung on that cross to take more than my own sins. He also hung there to carry the sins of others that hurt me deeply. And in that same instant, He hung there to carry the pain and sorrow I feel because of those sins against me.
In the very same moment, He held both. Wept for both. Bore the eternal burden of both.
So that both of us could be free.
Done.
i am (not) third
I struggle to make myself a priority. Ever.
I know we are called to put others first, to love sacrificially, and to serve others rather than ourselves. The belief in those things has developed in me the heart of a missionary; it’s made me an empathetic leader.
But I’ve taken those truths to an untrue extreme.
As a child I wore a necklace with a “3rd” pendant. It served as a simple reminder that Jesus is first, others are second, and I am third. A healthy and Biblical way to approach life—when taken in the right context.
But somehow in the context of my own mind and heart, it became unhealthy.
It became an inability to know who I am and to give my own needs and desires any priority. It morphed me into a woman who has difficulty asserting myself, voicing an opinion, and making a decision that benefits me. It’s made me incredibly uncomfortable in situations where all eyes are on me or I’m forced to be the center of attention (even when it’s supposed to be a good thing). It’s formed the blanket of apology I’ve carried around my entire life.
I’m calling a moratorium on all this I am third crap.
It needs to stop.
I’m learning that putting me first is sometimes the best decision I can make. That it’s not wrong healthy to stand on my own two feet and be my own person. That I am enough.
I know there needs to be a balance. I certainly don’t intend to become arrogant, selfish, and unable to see or meet the needs of others. But of course the road to hell is paved with good intentions. So I’m grateful I have friends who will call me out if they ever see the pendulum swinging too far in that direction.
While this paradoxical statement may not make sense outside my own brain, this is how I’m trying choosing to live my life from now on:
I will always put others first, but I will no longer put myself last.
my souvenir(s) from ohio
I’ve never been pulled over before. Until tonight.
I’ve gotten tickets, but only because of those stupid ridiculous precious cameras posted along the highways in South Africa. And they’ve all been delivered by the unreliable postal service. I’ve never gotten a ticket in America. And never directly from a cop. Thankfully I can still say that. Even after tonight. Phew.
Thirty minutes before, I debated about whether or not I should hit the bathroom one more time. I’d been chugging water all night and had made frequent trips to the restroom. I kinda had to pee but figured I could easily handle the 20-minute drive home.
But as soon as I got into my freezing car, my bladder shrunk. Oh well, what’s a girl to do? I just blared some tunes and hit the road. (Sidebar: In response to my recent post, a friend mailed me her iPod car adapter to borrow! Am I blessed or what?!)
Not five minutes away from my house, a cop car pulled out behind me. And when the red-and-blues started flashing in my rearview mirror, I groaned out loud. I was on this troublesome road that deceives you me with its four lanes. The speed limit is only 25; I was going closer to 35 40.
My heart was racing as I pulled to the side of the road. My only experiences with this sort of thing come from watching COPS. And we all know those encounters never end well.
I was in a borrowed car. With an out-of-state license. And I’m a resident of another country. The story was clearly way too complicated to explain to a policeman on the side of the road on a freezing night when my bladder was about to burst.
After way too long of an exchange, the cop decided just to give me a written warning. “After all,” he said, “You need a souvenir from Ohio.”
I smiled and squeezed my legs even tighter together. I wanted to tell him that my currently-developing urinary tract infection was more than enough of a souvenir. But I refrained.
All that to say: It’s true what your mom used to tell you. You should always pee one last time.
fashionably late: my 100 things
Evidently it’s tradition in the blogosphere to publish 100 things about yourself for your 100th post. That mile-marker came and went unnoticed here at the Grit. Quite a while ago in fact.
So, in honor of my 600th post, I give you my 100 things.
(click on it to read it!)
four-minute friday: soundtrack
Go.
Music moves me. That sounds corny. And I’m trying to think of a less cheeseball way to say what I mean, but with the clock ticking, I feel pressure to just keep rambling writing.
Music really is therapeutic to me. God speaks through lyrics and melody lines. He whispers through egg shakers and nudges me with notable percussion. I feel Him in a singer’s voice that takes me by surprise.
My iPod is one of my most prized possessions; it carries a song for every occasion. I’m often behind the times with what others are listening to, but I’m okay with that. I have plenty of music from my favorite “genre”: melancholy.
I didn’t bring a car adapter with me to the States, so I’ve had to improvise. My $10 portable speakers now accompany me as I drive so that I can hear my tunage. I keep it cranked at almost-full volume and it’s nowhere near as loud as I’d like it to be, but that’s okay.
Because I love simply being able to hear the soundtrack of my life.
Done.
i’m sorry
I’ve spent my whole life apologizing for being me.
Those who know me well, know I say “I’m sorry” a lot. A lot. A few people have repeatedly told me to “stop apologizing!” But I can’t seem to.
I’m quick to apologize for things I’ve done wrong, but I’m also quick to take on myself what isn’t mine to own. I am a peacemaker; I can’t stand lack of resolution. So I am almost-always the first to apologize, even when I’m not the one who did wrong.
But more than that—beyond apologizing for what I’ve done, or even for what I’ve not done—I live with a demeanor of apology simply for being me.
I can remember feeling that way as far back as second or third grade. I did well in school, and we all know being the smart kid is never “cool”. So I learned early on to hide my grades from my classmates. Even as an elementary school student, I was apologetic of being myself when “myself” wasn’t socially acceptable.
And it’s bled over into every area of my life as an adult. I apologize for my quietness, for my desire for intimacy, for my personality. I apologize for my opinions and for my lack of opinions. I apologize for who I’m friends with; I apologize for who I’m not friends with. I apologize for my weaknesses and my strengths. I apologize for being… For just… being.
So I’m trying to stop. I’m trying to be okay with being myself and am trying to ease up on the unnecessary “I’m sorry”s. I want to apologize only for those things I actually need to own. I shouldn’t apologize for what’s not mine. Easier said than done.
They say step one is admitting your issue, and that admittance is half the battle. So…
Here’s to progress?!
a good friend
“A good friend isn’t someone who makes you feel better.
A good friend is someone who makes you do better.”
::
How has a friend helped you become a better person?
Do you think they know?
Maybe you should tell them…
make me laugh: winner
I so appreciate the many of you who sent videos to make me laugh. And laugh I did, I assure you. I’m also grateful that some of you sent a video hello. My face likes seeing your faces.
The winning video had me doubled-over in laughter. I’ve watched it over a dozen times, and it still makes me laugh. Every. Single. Time.
The Make Me Laugh award goes to…
:: insert drum roll here ::
… Tracee and Stephanie!
I hope their video makes the rest of you laugh even half as much as I did.Watching it is definitely worth the four+ minutes you’ll never get back.
Tracee and Steph? Your StarBUCKS and iCASH will be heading your way soon. Oh, and you’ve got a week to submit your acceptance speech video, ok? Your fans will be waiting. I know you won’t disappoint us.
::
A huge thanks to all of you who participated. You seriously made my day week month.
let’s pray together
The past few months I’ve been praying a simple prayer. One that’s on my heart and my lips today…
Fill me with the assurance that You are trustworthy.
Short, sweet, and to the point. I know He understands.
What are you praying?
